Monday, January 3, 2011

How Long Will My New Year's Resolution Last?

I call it "Stop Being Such a Fucking Pig."

I should have chosen something with a more positive spirit, I suppose. Maybe next year my resolution will be "Don't Be So Hard on Yourself," but that's been my resolution for the past 12 years and look where it's gotten me.

I've become the kind of person who sits and listens to the sound of a cat's stomach picking up this morning's breakfast and hurling it right back out the mouth, then listening to the sound of the dog eagerly running to check out what snacks are now available, and choosing instead to sit and type away at the keyboard rather than getting out the carpet cleaner. I really have to stop being such a fucking pig. I'll get right on that, in a minute. But first, I'm curious to see how long I can keep up this diet I started that I found on the internet.

It's called a "food-lover's cleanse," and it was on Bon Appetit's website, and I thought, why the hell not? I haven't been to Weight Watchers in months, and I haven't exercised in even longer, and I'm all about a good cliché, so let's change everything all at once on New Year's and see how it goes.

Today is the first day. I would have started it on the first, but I didn't feel like it.

So: today.

Day One

20 minutes of Yoga. I have never done yoga before. It kind of hurt, and I fell over once. The Wii Fit robot trainer pretended not to judge me, but I know she kind of did.

Breakfast: 2 egg omelet with mushrooms and onions.

I made omelets for everybody this morning. My usual morning routine is to scowl at everyone from the depths of a cup of coffee and point them in the direction of the kitchen, so Steve nearly fell over dead when I offered him one. He then asked me to explain what was so cleansing about an omelet, and would not accept my answer of "I don't know. Shut up."

Seriously, do you ever want your wife to make you breakfast in the morning ever again? Breakfast that has to be heated up instead of unwrapped and eaten raw or poured into a bowl? Then shut up.

I took no photographic evidence of this because we're all adults here. We've seen omelets before.

Lunch: Avocado Tartine with Winter Vegetable Crudités

Avocado Tartine is a fancy description of ½ an avocado, mashed and sprinkled with a little lemon juice, red pepper flakes, and salt, smeared over a slice of whole wheat toast. Why gussy it up by calling it "tartine?" I do not know.

The Winter Vegetable Crudités part is essentially a salad with citrus-shallot vinaigrette, comme ça:

It is curly endive, carrots, and cauliflower. The citrus-shallot vinaigrette is

4 T minced shallots
2 T white wine or champagne vinegar
2 T lemon juice

Mix in a jar with a lid and let sit for 15 minutes so the shallots won't be so bitey. Then add

10 T high quality olive oil. Cold pressed, extra virgin olive oil. Do yourself this favor, buy olive oil you won't mind eating raw.

1/2 t sea salt.

Then shake it and mix it up. If this was the army, I would remind you to put the lid on the jar first, but it isn't, so I won't. Steve told me once, when he was in basic training, they were teaching him how to throw a grenade, and took great care to make sure he was aware that once you pull the pin from the grenade, remember to throw it in a direction that leads away from your body. Otherwise, you might either forget to throw it or, if you do throw it, you might throw it straight down onto the ground at your feet. This is good information to impart. Grenades: Away. Lid: On Jar.

This is what lunch ended up looking like:

Looks nice. Was nice, too, except for that I understand the purpose of the omelette in the cleanse now. Lunch is a little on the light side. Do you know what would help? Ice cream!

I still have three more meals to go for today, though, and I'll either come back and talk about it, or I won't, and if I don't, we all know I've left 2011 and moved right onto 2012, and decided to Not Be So Hard On Myself.

Happy New Year! I should probably go find that cat vomit now.